Stream of consciousness

I find it funny and ironic that I tend to be very much a stream of consciousness writer, and following "Mrs. Dalloway" has been next to impossible for me. It reads more like a journal and less like a novel. Fascinating, but nearly impenetrable. This is one of those books I see myself returning to once a year to re-investigate and hopefully come to terms with somewhere down the line.

Reacting to "The Dead"

Reading about Gabriel in "The Dead" made me examine how I live day to day - do I live safely or do I live genuinely? Are my words and actions shaped to appease and please others, or do I seize each day and each opportunity? My life is geared 100% toward school, so it works in my favor to live safely. Seeking the approval of my peers, parents, and professors. Is there a way to balance the favor with the seizure?

Modernists

I've been sort of dreading Modernism for the entire semester. As a sophomore I took a Western culture class and remember that the teacher telling us that this period was full of depressed, hopeless alcoholics who believed the world was spinning itself into destruction by its own industry. On a good day, I think it creates a lot of critical thinking in my mind on the direction of the world; on a day like today, for some reason, it depresses me. And poets like Eliot only frustrate me, since I can't make heads or tails of his writing. Try again tomorrow.

Hoping to wrap up my reading of "Great Expecations" over Spring Break. If that doesn't happen, I'll keep reading until I do finish - I'm really enjoying this book and I've gotten too attached to the characters not to.

Memorable characters

I've read in various biographies that Charles Dickens was known for writing unforgettable characters. I've decided as I go along reading "Great Expectations" that that's exactly why I'm loving this book, and why I loved "David Copperfield." The character absolutely come to life. And yet none are overly caricatured or unbelievable, even when their traits are extraordinary. We all can think of someone in our lives (whether we like them there or not) who crosses the boundaries of "normality" or even "decency." These are the kinds of characters worth writing about, and certainly worth reading about.

Finally, I will have the opportunity to read a book I've wanted to read for several years, but never had the time. "Great Expectations" has been sitting on my bookshelf for quite a while. I've picked it up during the last couple summer vacations but for some reason or another never finished. In high school I read "David Copperfield" and it's a favorite. Charles Dickens writes with a dryly descriptive, sympathetic, and untarnished honesty I easily connect with and have attempted to emulate in my own creative writing. He has a way of writing about the struggles of adversity without drudging out any sort of martyrdom, and with hope and strength. It's a refreshing perspective in Victorian literature, or any literature for that matter. These days, it seems that any hopeful sort of writing oozes in saccharine or shallow phrasing. Dickens writes from his time, and yet it has proven to be absolutely timeless (i.e. one film adaptation of "Great Expectations" - the film that actually introduced me to this novel, is set in the 20th century. Hopefully I will complete "Great Expectations" this time around. It's a long book, and I have so little time! As busy as I found myself in the last few years, I think I might have had a better chance of reading it then than I do now!

When karma smacks you upside the head...

Following my recent theme of, "How did I screw up this week?" ....

Academically, all is blessedly smooth as can be expected. The workload seems insurmountable at moments, but I just keep on keepin' on, doing as much as I can, the best that I can, when I can...which is all I can do.

I'm studying and practicing to be a teacher, and, darn it, I want to be a better teacher than I sometimes think I'm capable of being. Now, as far as "pretend" lesson plans and reflective essays go...I probably don't give 100%, I'll admit it. Maybe that's where I'm failing. But I work with children every weekday, and this week, despite my best efforts, I was responsible for a few tough make-or-break moments. Two children (at different times) very nearly suffered serious injury because of either my momentary neglect or inexcusable ignorance. All is as well as can be and no one was seriously hurt or traumatized, and I KNOW I learned some very valuable lessons. It's those lessons that I'm trying desperately right now to focus on and draw out of this week from Teacher Hell. Most call them rookie mistakes; I call it the mark of inexperience.

I also learned a thing or two about karma. In the case of one of those poor children, the crisis was a head injury that required emergency care. (I had my back turned to the swing set and therefore missed out on an apparently cut-throat game of "Don't get kicked in the face!") Last night, a friend and I both changed direction too quickly without looking, and both got a face-full of each other, smack in the middle of our foreheads. We both quickly developed bumps eerily similar to the one that had earlier appeared on that child's head after having a run-in with a metal pole. Before I even thought to say "Ow!" I was cursing my own bad karma. It still hurts today, reminding me just how responsible I am for those kids.

I take my responsibility for these children seriously. It only took a moment for me to not have my eyes scanning the entire playground, and someone got hurt in a game that should never have started, and would have quickly ended had I allowed myself to be aware of it. In the Victorian era, men were still totally responsible for the women in their life. But what were the consequences if they didn't take that responsibility seriously? Somehow, the responsibility for women that men somewhere in history translated into "control" lost its original, Biblically inspired definition, and became a trust, an ownership over property. In Robert Browning's "My Last Duchess," the duke apparently grew so annoyed by his wife that he arranged her death, and was currently attempting to court a new wife. How is it that certain individuals treat those that have been entrusted into their care with such frivolity and passivity? Why is there no concern for consequences?

I sure hope karma got him like it got me.